I just called my mom.
She watches my kids for me on Fridays so I don't have to pay a sitter and I really apreciate it. My mom is awesome.
But I'm jealous. Today they are at a splach pad because its a million and one degrees out there.
She was laughing and haveing a big old time when I called and it makes me so sad I just want to sit at my desk and sob. I miss my kids, and I am so mad its not me taking them to do fun things.
I want to be the type of mom that takes her kids to splash pads and zoos where they giggle and laugh and make memories but instead I am the kind of mom that goes home and folds laundrey at yells at them to clean thier rooms and works "all the time" as my kids would say.
I want to be there, not stuck here at my desk and it breaks my heart.
Just thought I would share.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Hold Me
So, I think I might be a tad bit out of my mind because I just signed up for a half marathon in October. Cue major freak out by me!. Last night I went for a run. I made it 3 minutes, then 5 then 5 then 3 running (following couch to 10k) and thought I was going to die. I think it was about 2 miles, 2, T-W-O. and I was pooped, and my lungs were burning. I don't know if I can make it 13.1 so what in the world was I thinking!!
I signed up with a friend and she is so much more of a runner than me, but I'm still going to try.
Holy crap.
I signed up with a friend and she is so much more of a runner than me, but I'm still going to try.
Holy crap.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Maybe
I had a dream the other night, and it was wonderful.
I can't really tell you what happened, well I can a little. I remember parking in a gas station parking lot and getting out of the car with a guy and we walked down the country lane wrapped around each other. we weren't talking or anything, just walking. he lifted me over a small trickle of muddy water that crossed the road then we laughed as he teased me about pushing me into some fish hatchery pond where you could see the fish all bobbing to the surface with their mouths open.
He stopped walking and pulled me into him and kissed me and said "don't leave me baby" and I knew we were just parting for a couple of days. and we kissed some more.
I just remember feeling incredible. It wasn't the kissing, although that was great, but more the feeling. I liked him a lot, and I knew he liked me. I knew he would call me again and this wasn't just a one sided relationship.
I woke up feeling so good, and reveled in it in the shower. And I could feel his arms around me all day. Is that weird? okay I know it is but I don't really care.
I felt good and I felt happy and I wanted to just keep feeling that way.
Le sigh, here is where I tell you the lack of those feelings and the memory that it was just a dream make me feel lonely today.
I hope one day it won't just be a memory forever. I hope (and here is where I get religious) that I can continue to have faith that Heavenly Father loves me and knows me and knows my desires and will provide for me.
I know without a doubt this life is not made for us to live it alone, and maybe I am just being tested right now. Maybe one day I will look back and realize this was all for my good.
**sigh**
Maybe
I can't really tell you what happened, well I can a little. I remember parking in a gas station parking lot and getting out of the car with a guy and we walked down the country lane wrapped around each other. we weren't talking or anything, just walking. he lifted me over a small trickle of muddy water that crossed the road then we laughed as he teased me about pushing me into some fish hatchery pond where you could see the fish all bobbing to the surface with their mouths open.
He stopped walking and pulled me into him and kissed me and said "don't leave me baby" and I knew we were just parting for a couple of days. and we kissed some more.
I just remember feeling incredible. It wasn't the kissing, although that was great, but more the feeling. I liked him a lot, and I knew he liked me. I knew he would call me again and this wasn't just a one sided relationship.
I woke up feeling so good, and reveled in it in the shower. And I could feel his arms around me all day. Is that weird? okay I know it is but I don't really care.
I felt good and I felt happy and I wanted to just keep feeling that way.
Le sigh, here is where I tell you the lack of those feelings and the memory that it was just a dream make me feel lonely today.
I hope one day it won't just be a memory forever. I hope (and here is where I get religious) that I can continue to have faith that Heavenly Father loves me and knows me and knows my desires and will provide for me.
I know without a doubt this life is not made for us to live it alone, and maybe I am just being tested right now. Maybe one day I will look back and realize this was all for my good.
**sigh**
Maybe
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Why I heart internet dating
I actually hate Internet dating. I have done it off and on since the big split. I have tried free sites, I have tried paid sites, I have tried religion specific sites and non religion specific sites. I just don"t like it. Any guy I have ever met from the Internet has been creepy. And the whole thing just feels weird to me. I'm not saying no one should date online, because I know people that have been very happy with people they met online. I'm just saying for me, it aint happenin.
That being said a couple months ago I belonged to a free dating site. I started to talk to one of the guys I "met". He was nice enough and we chatted online, texted and if I remember right we talked on the phone a couple times. He wasn't as crazy as some of the people I have met, but he had a few little fun traits.
He liked to draw........Killer whales
He loved trains
And he had a foot fetish
He routinely asked for pictures of my feet. Because he wanted to see them everyday
Because of other reasons we decided it would never work and decided not to date. My family likes to kid that I should have seen the Killer whale addiction as an omen. You know how inside jokes go sometimes, they start out small but the more you talk about it the more you laugh? yeah this was one of them. Killer whales are hilarious to my family these days
Skip to this last weekend
My sister has gone on a couple dates with AJ, a guy she met online. She has fun with him but when they were apart he wanted to know where she was all the time and wanted to be way too attached all the time. She was hemming and hawing over if she should see him again. I had her show me a picture and though, hmm he looks familiar. I told her I thought I had talked to him at one point.
Her face drained of all color. The night before he had told her something that kind of made her think I had talked to him. He loves killer whales
yup after comparing notes, he's the same guy.
How did one guy find two sisters on the Internet? I don't think it was intentional at all, but still.
This folks just about killed me, I haven't laughed that hard in a long long time.
And that is the one and only reason I love Internet dating
That being said a couple months ago I belonged to a free dating site. I started to talk to one of the guys I "met". He was nice enough and we chatted online, texted and if I remember right we talked on the phone a couple times. He wasn't as crazy as some of the people I have met, but he had a few little fun traits.
He liked to draw........Killer whales
He loved trains
And he had a foot fetish
He routinely asked for pictures of my feet. Because he wanted to see them everyday
Because of other reasons we decided it would never work and decided not to date. My family likes to kid that I should have seen the Killer whale addiction as an omen. You know how inside jokes go sometimes, they start out small but the more you talk about it the more you laugh? yeah this was one of them. Killer whales are hilarious to my family these days
Skip to this last weekend
My sister has gone on a couple dates with AJ, a guy she met online. She has fun with him but when they were apart he wanted to know where she was all the time and wanted to be way too attached all the time. She was hemming and hawing over if she should see him again. I had her show me a picture and though, hmm he looks familiar. I told her I thought I had talked to him at one point.
Her face drained of all color. The night before he had told her something that kind of made her think I had talked to him. He loves killer whales
yup after comparing notes, he's the same guy.
How did one guy find two sisters on the Internet? I don't think it was intentional at all, but still.
This folks just about killed me, I haven't laughed that hard in a long long time.
And that is the one and only reason I love Internet dating
Monday, March 5, 2012
"single parenting it" is the new cool
I'm gonna vent for a sec mkay?
I've read a lot of blogs lately where moms are alone all day, or dad works crazy schedules and is never home and they like to say they are "single parenting it". Wait a second! lets back up a minute shall we? You mean to tell me you take care of your kids for 12 hours a day and your husband is bringing home the bacon and that the same as being a single parent?
Lets just take a look at my actual, honest to goodness single parent life and then we'll compare and see if its the same shall we? what a fun little game
I wake up every morning by myself, as in, no one else is awake. I'm actually sharing my bed with an almost 5 year old who has cried multiple times (night terrors, fun stuff) and/or dug her toes in my back all night long. I'm the only one that lets the dogs out, I'm the only one that wakes the kids, I'm the only one to load (or not load and then scrub) the dishes in the dishwasher. I shower quickly then rush to get kids up and where they go.
Lets think about the fact that I have to find places for my kids to go before and after school because, oh wait, there is just me. This is not as easy as it seems and I'm gearing up for next year when I have a kindergartner and I need to find a place for just half a day.
After this I rush into work, usually late because of last minute shoe hunts or homework dashes or what ever it is. I work 8 hour days, and I'm lucky its a normal 8-5, Monday through Friday job, no dealing with weird shifts and changing schedules for me. I'm lucky that way.
But there are times when kids are sick, or have soccer/basketball/whatever, that starts at 5 so I have to get off work early to be there. I have to make all the doctor appointments and dentist and am the only one that takes them. After work its homework (for both of us, yay for college at 30) dinner, baths, brush teeth.
After the kids are in bed, this is when I get me time. Time to do fun relaxing things like laundry and dishes and pay bills, finish homework. Then I head to bed, where if I am lucky I will get 6 hours of constantly interrupted sleep.
There is no one else to bring home the bacon. There is no one else to fret with, to worry with. Granted I am luckier than some and the Ex is still involved in the kids lives, he takes them one night a week and every other weekend. But really they are my responsibility. He doesn't worry and fret over their safety and school and doctors appointments and vitamins and bed times and all that stuff. I do, and I do it alone.
There is no spouse to call up at work in the middle of the day or talk to in the night and say, hey our seven year old just called me a bitch and says she hates me all because I go mad she threw a chair at her sister (true story) what should we do? there is no "we", its just me.
So while I understand its a lot of work to take care of kids by yourself for long periods of time. I feel no sympathy for someone that complains they have to "single parent it" for all but one waking hour of the day. In fact I'm jealous of that person, because really, if I had just one hour a day with another adult who was in it together with me? I think I would weep from joy.
You're being an adult, not a single parent. But I guess our perspectives are just a little bit different.
I've read a lot of blogs lately where moms are alone all day, or dad works crazy schedules and is never home and they like to say they are "single parenting it". Wait a second! lets back up a minute shall we? You mean to tell me you take care of your kids for 12 hours a day and your husband is bringing home the bacon and that the same as being a single parent?
Lets just take a look at my actual, honest to goodness single parent life and then we'll compare and see if its the same shall we? what a fun little game
I wake up every morning by myself, as in, no one else is awake. I'm actually sharing my bed with an almost 5 year old who has cried multiple times (night terrors, fun stuff) and/or dug her toes in my back all night long. I'm the only one that lets the dogs out, I'm the only one that wakes the kids, I'm the only one to load (or not load and then scrub) the dishes in the dishwasher. I shower quickly then rush to get kids up and where they go.
Lets think about the fact that I have to find places for my kids to go before and after school because, oh wait, there is just me. This is not as easy as it seems and I'm gearing up for next year when I have a kindergartner and I need to find a place for just half a day.
After this I rush into work, usually late because of last minute shoe hunts or homework dashes or what ever it is. I work 8 hour days, and I'm lucky its a normal 8-5, Monday through Friday job, no dealing with weird shifts and changing schedules for me. I'm lucky that way.
But there are times when kids are sick, or have soccer/basketball/whatever, that starts at 5 so I have to get off work early to be there. I have to make all the doctor appointments and dentist and am the only one that takes them. After work its homework (for both of us, yay for college at 30) dinner, baths, brush teeth.
After the kids are in bed, this is when I get me time. Time to do fun relaxing things like laundry and dishes and pay bills, finish homework. Then I head to bed, where if I am lucky I will get 6 hours of constantly interrupted sleep.
There is no one else to bring home the bacon. There is no one else to fret with, to worry with. Granted I am luckier than some and the Ex is still involved in the kids lives, he takes them one night a week and every other weekend. But really they are my responsibility. He doesn't worry and fret over their safety and school and doctors appointments and vitamins and bed times and all that stuff. I do, and I do it alone.
There is no spouse to call up at work in the middle of the day or talk to in the night and say, hey our seven year old just called me a bitch and says she hates me all because I go mad she threw a chair at her sister (true story) what should we do? there is no "we", its just me.
So while I understand its a lot of work to take care of kids by yourself for long periods of time. I feel no sympathy for someone that complains they have to "single parent it" for all but one waking hour of the day. In fact I'm jealous of that person, because really, if I had just one hour a day with another adult who was in it together with me? I think I would weep from joy.
You're being an adult, not a single parent. But I guess our perspectives are just a little bit different.
Friday, February 17, 2012
I'm having Issue
I feel like I need to tell someone but really don't necessarily want to tell anyone. Yeah for no one knowing who I am and no one reading this blog.
These last two weeks I have been in some classes for work. These classes are held by the state and attended by people from all over so I have met a couple people from around the state. One guy in particular really interests me.
He's two years older, brown hair, brown eyes, kinda bigger and a bit taller than me. In the first class he sat in the chair in front of me and was pretty shy but he started turning around to talk to me during the breaks. This week when I was determined to move to sit next to him, I walked into class to find he had moved to the chair next to the one I occupied the week before. That's a good sign right?
We ate lunch together all this week. We laughed, we joked, he felt comfortable enough to eat food off my plate and offer me his and share an occasional snack with me. he has my number, we texted and then talked on the phone to study for the test.
Here's the biggest thing about this guy, I like him. It seems like he and I would just fit. We both studied ASL in college but ended up not finishing with it. We both started part time at our current jobs 6 years ago and went full time and are just now starting these required classes.
He has a niece that has leukemia and every time she loses her hair, he shaves his head bald to match her (so sweet right?). We both like the same candy and don't like soda, we got along and laughed and joked and, I thought, flirted.
I figured we were becoming friends and maybe one day he would ask me out, maybe I would ask him, but I wasn't worried. Then this section of the classes ended and the teacher wants to set him up with his daughter and I'm pissed.
For a couple reasons
First, why does no one ever want to set me up? everyone always jokes that single people hate being set up because they get it all the time, um not me. One person in the last 3 1/2 years has tried to set me up. her "friend" wanted to meet me through facebook first, then it was like pulling teeth to get the guy to talk to me, so yeah, that went over well.
Any way, why does no one ever want to set me up? Is there something wrong with me? am I that undesirable?
Second I'm kind of jealous. I want him to take ME out, not the teachers daughter. In fact during class the teacher even teased he should take me out. But that's it, and I guess I'm fine with that for now, because we have two more classes together but still, I wanted SOMETHING to happen. Any thing.
So here I was, thinking I'm really not a loser because who knows what will happen in the next classes but what ever, it'll be fine. And really I'm not a loser for spending valentines day eating frozen pizza and ice cream while watching Harry Potter alone because even my kids don't want to spend the night with me but that okay because this is just a phase of my life and it wont be like this forever.
And then he didn't return my text.
And my Oregon Husband wont talk to me on yahoo chat.
And then I got a message from some guy on a dating site saying "lets make love" and when I said um, no thanks, he said um, good luck then, because no one wants to settle down with a cow...
...
...
...
...
And now I am praying for 4:30 when I can leave work and cry alone in my car. I'm so glad this weekend the ex has the kids so I can wallow in self pity and finish off the ice cream alone. I'm counting days until I am back in class so I'm not at work but I don't want to be in class either.
I am terrified to tell anyone what some random anonymous person said on the Internet because I'm afraid they will agree. I have deleted my profile from this particular website and vowed never to try to meet anyone through the Internet again because this weirdo just wants to get laid and he knows nothing about me and made some crude comment based on a few pictures on the Internet because in my head I'm not a cow. I'm a bigger girl but I'm working on it and I don't think I look that awful. But at the same time I am preparing to spend the rest of my Valentines Days watching Harry because the only person who will ever want to spend that day with me is a fictional character that I only have conversations with in my head (I'm looking at you Ron). I am terrified to tell anyone the way that I feel because I think they will agree, I'm not worth it, I am a cow and no one wants to settle down with a cow. And if they didn't agree, I will always secretly be thinking they are lying to me.
These last two weeks I have been in some classes for work. These classes are held by the state and attended by people from all over so I have met a couple people from around the state. One guy in particular really interests me.
He's two years older, brown hair, brown eyes, kinda bigger and a bit taller than me. In the first class he sat in the chair in front of me and was pretty shy but he started turning around to talk to me during the breaks. This week when I was determined to move to sit next to him, I walked into class to find he had moved to the chair next to the one I occupied the week before. That's a good sign right?
We ate lunch together all this week. We laughed, we joked, he felt comfortable enough to eat food off my plate and offer me his and share an occasional snack with me. he has my number, we texted and then talked on the phone to study for the test.
Here's the biggest thing about this guy, I like him. It seems like he and I would just fit. We both studied ASL in college but ended up not finishing with it. We both started part time at our current jobs 6 years ago and went full time and are just now starting these required classes.
He has a niece that has leukemia and every time she loses her hair, he shaves his head bald to match her (so sweet right?). We both like the same candy and don't like soda, we got along and laughed and joked and, I thought, flirted.
I figured we were becoming friends and maybe one day he would ask me out, maybe I would ask him, but I wasn't worried. Then this section of the classes ended and the teacher wants to set him up with his daughter and I'm pissed.
For a couple reasons
First, why does no one ever want to set me up? everyone always jokes that single people hate being set up because they get it all the time, um not me. One person in the last 3 1/2 years has tried to set me up. her "friend" wanted to meet me through facebook first, then it was like pulling teeth to get the guy to talk to me, so yeah, that went over well.
Any way, why does no one ever want to set me up? Is there something wrong with me? am I that undesirable?
Second I'm kind of jealous. I want him to take ME out, not the teachers daughter. In fact during class the teacher even teased he should take me out. But that's it, and I guess I'm fine with that for now, because we have two more classes together but still, I wanted SOMETHING to happen. Any thing.
So here I was, thinking I'm really not a loser because who knows what will happen in the next classes but what ever, it'll be fine. And really I'm not a loser for spending valentines day eating frozen pizza and ice cream while watching Harry Potter alone because even my kids don't want to spend the night with me but that okay because this is just a phase of my life and it wont be like this forever.
And then he didn't return my text.
And my Oregon Husband wont talk to me on yahoo chat.
And then I got a message from some guy on a dating site saying "lets make love" and when I said um, no thanks, he said um, good luck then, because no one wants to settle down with a cow...
...
...
...
...
And now I am praying for 4:30 when I can leave work and cry alone in my car. I'm so glad this weekend the ex has the kids so I can wallow in self pity and finish off the ice cream alone. I'm counting days until I am back in class so I'm not at work but I don't want to be in class either.
I am terrified to tell anyone what some random anonymous person said on the Internet because I'm afraid they will agree. I have deleted my profile from this particular website and vowed never to try to meet anyone through the Internet again because this weirdo just wants to get laid and he knows nothing about me and made some crude comment based on a few pictures on the Internet because in my head I'm not a cow. I'm a bigger girl but I'm working on it and I don't think I look that awful. But at the same time I am preparing to spend the rest of my Valentines Days watching Harry because the only person who will ever want to spend that day with me is a fictional character that I only have conversations with in my head (I'm looking at you Ron). I am terrified to tell anyone the way that I feel because I think they will agree, I'm not worth it, I am a cow and no one wants to settle down with a cow. And if they didn't agree, I will always secretly be thinking they are lying to me.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My 29th Year
This year I will turn 29. I feel like this is monumental. 29 is a huge year! and its not just because its the last year in my 20's, but I just feel like its something that needs to be a big deal.
So I decided to make a list, 29 things to do in my 29th year! Its a list of goals and things that will kinda push me and force me to make this year exciting!
Without further ado, here is my list!
1. Kiss 29 boys (my mom does not like this item, she insists it should be 29 dates, so I might amend it but I haven't decided yet)
2. Send 29 Thank you notes
3. Spend 29 Minutes with each girl each month
4. Visit 29 Different Places
5. Do 29 random acts of kindness
6. Try 29 different Hairdo's
7. No Chocolate for 29 Days
8. Meet 29 new people
9. Read 29 Books
10. Try 29 New things
11. Take 29 Pictures with the girls
12. Write 29 Blog posts
13. Make 29 New recipes
14. Finish 29 crafty projects
15. Stay off facebook for 29 days
16. Lose 29 Pounds
17. Learn to say "I love you" in 29 Languages
18. Bet on 29 in Roulette
19. Do 29 activities as a Family
20. Get rid of 29 things in my closet
21. Find 29 things I love about myself
22. Exercise for 29 minutes, 29 days in a row
23. Run 29 Miles
24. Eat 29 new foods
25. Watch 29 never seen before movies
26. Stay awake for 29 hours straight
27. Visit 29 new resturants
Yes I realize there are only 27 things on my list, I need to think of the other things. I am going to use this blog to track what I do, so I figured I should use the list as a starting point.
So far I have read four books, I think I don't keep track so well.
Met one new person -a girl names Lacie that was at my new Zumba class (check trying one new thing and the start to exercising 29 days in a row off the list)
I made one new recipe (burrito bake for dinner, yum)
tried one new food (pickled okra)
and as soon as I hit publish on this post, there will be one post of 29.
So I decided to make a list, 29 things to do in my 29th year! Its a list of goals and things that will kinda push me and force me to make this year exciting!
Without further ado, here is my list!
1. Kiss 29 boys (my mom does not like this item, she insists it should be 29 dates, so I might amend it but I haven't decided yet)
2. Send 29 Thank you notes
3. Spend 29 Minutes with each girl each month
4. Visit 29 Different Places
5. Do 29 random acts of kindness
6. Try 29 different Hairdo's
7. No Chocolate for 29 Days
8. Meet 29 new people
9. Read 29 Books
10. Try 29 New things
11. Take 29 Pictures with the girls
12. Write 29 Blog posts
13. Make 29 New recipes
14. Finish 29 crafty projects
15. Stay off facebook for 29 days
16. Lose 29 Pounds
17. Learn to say "I love you" in 29 Languages
18. Bet on 29 in Roulette
19. Do 29 activities as a Family
20. Get rid of 29 things in my closet
21. Find 29 things I love about myself
22. Exercise for 29 minutes, 29 days in a row
23. Run 29 Miles
24. Eat 29 new foods
25. Watch 29 never seen before movies
26. Stay awake for 29 hours straight
27. Visit 29 new resturants
Yes I realize there are only 27 things on my list, I need to think of the other things. I am going to use this blog to track what I do, so I figured I should use the list as a starting point.
So far I have read four books, I think I don't keep track so well.
Met one new person -a girl names Lacie that was at my new Zumba class (check trying one new thing and the start to exercising 29 days in a row off the list)
I made one new recipe (burrito bake for dinner, yum)
tried one new food (pickled okra)
and as soon as I hit publish on this post, there will be one post of 29.
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