Maybe

I had a dream the other night, and it was wonderful.

I can't really tell you what happened, well I can a little. I remember parking in a gas station parking lot and getting out of the car with a guy and we walked down the country lane wrapped around each other. we weren't talking or anything, just walking. he lifted me over a small trickle of muddy water that crossed the road then we laughed as he teased me about pushing me into some fish hatchery pond where you could see the fish all bobbing to the surface with their mouths open.

He stopped walking and pulled me into him and kissed me and said "don't leave me baby" and I knew we were just parting for a couple of days. and we kissed some more.

I just remember feeling incredible. It wasn't the kissing, although that was great, but more the feeling. I liked him a lot, and I knew he liked me. I knew he would call me again and this wasn't just a one sided relationship.

I woke up feeling so good, and reveled in it in the shower. And I could feel his arms around me all day. Is that weird? okay I know it is but I don't really care.

I felt good and I felt happy and I wanted to just keep feeling that way.

Le sigh, here is where I tell you the lack of those feelings and the memory that it was just a dream make me feel lonely today.

I hope one day it won't just be a memory forever. I hope (and here is where I get religious) that I can continue to have faith that Heavenly Father loves me and knows me and knows my desires and will provide for me.

I know without a doubt this life is not made for us to live it alone, and maybe I am just being tested right now. Maybe one day I will look back and realize this was all for my good.

**sigh**

Maybe

Why I heart internet dating

I actually hate Internet dating. I have done it off and on since the big split. I have tried free sites, I have tried paid sites, I have tried religion specific sites and non religion specific sites. I just don"t like it. Any guy I have ever met from the Internet has been creepy. And the whole thing just feels weird to me. I'm not saying no one should date online, because I know people that have been very happy with people they met online. I'm just saying for me, it aint happenin.

That being said a couple months ago I belonged to a free dating site. I started to talk to one of the guys I "met". He was nice enough and we chatted online, texted and if I remember right we talked on the phone a couple times. He wasn't as crazy as some of the people I have met, but he had a few little fun traits.

He liked to draw........Killer whales

He loved trains

And he had a foot fetish

He routinely asked for pictures of my feet. Because he wanted to see them everyday

Because of other reasons we decided it would never work and decided not to date. My family likes to kid that I should have seen the Killer whale addiction as an omen. You know how inside jokes go sometimes, they start out small but the more you talk about it the more you laugh? yeah this was one of them. Killer whales are hilarious to my family these days

Skip to this last weekend

My sister has gone on a couple dates with AJ, a guy she met online. She has fun with him but when they were apart he wanted to know where she was all the time and wanted to be way too attached all the time. She was hemming and hawing over if she should see him again. I had her show me a picture and though, hmm he looks familiar. I told her I thought I had talked to him at one point.

Her face drained of all color. The night before he had told her something that kind of made her think I had talked to him. He loves killer whales

yup after comparing notes, he's the same guy.

How did one guy find two sisters on the Internet? I don't think it was intentional at all, but still.

This folks just about killed me, I haven't laughed that hard in a long long time.

And that is the one and only reason I love Internet dating

"single parenting it" is the new cool

I'm gonna vent for a sec mkay?

I've read a lot of blogs lately where moms are alone all day, or dad works crazy schedules and is never home and they like to say they are "single parenting it". Wait a second! lets back up a minute shall we? You mean to tell me you take care of your kids for 12 hours a day and your husband is bringing home the bacon and that the same as being a single parent?

Lets just take a look at my actual, honest to goodness single parent life and then we'll compare and see if its the same shall we? what a fun little game

I wake up every morning by myself, as in, no one else is awake. I'm actually sharing my bed with an almost 5 year old who has cried multiple times (night terrors, fun stuff) and/or dug her toes in my back all night long. I'm the only one that lets the dogs out, I'm the only one that wakes the kids, I'm the only one to load (or not load and then scrub) the dishes in the dishwasher. I shower quickly then rush to get kids up and where they go.

Lets think about the fact that I have to find places for my kids to go before and after school because, oh wait, there is just me. This is not as easy as it seems and I'm gearing up for next year when I have a kindergartner and I need to find a place for just half a day.

After this I rush into work, usually late because of last minute shoe hunts or homework dashes or what ever it is. I work 8 hour days, and I'm lucky its a normal 8-5, Monday through Friday job, no dealing with weird shifts and changing schedules for me. I'm lucky that way.

But there are times when kids are sick, or have soccer/basketball/whatever, that starts at 5 so I have to get off work early to be there. I have to make all the doctor appointments and dentist and am the only one that takes them. After work its homework (for both of us, yay for college at 30) dinner, baths, brush teeth.

After the kids are in bed, this is when I get me time. Time to do fun relaxing things like laundry and dishes and pay bills, finish homework. Then I head to bed, where if I am lucky I will get 6 hours of constantly interrupted sleep.

There is no one else to bring home the bacon. There is no one else to fret with, to worry with. Granted I am luckier than some and the Ex is still involved in the kids lives, he takes them one night a week and every other weekend. But really they are my responsibility. He doesn't worry and fret over their safety and school and doctors appointments and vitamins and bed times and all that stuff. I do, and I do it alone.

There is no spouse to call up at work in the middle of the day or talk to in the night and say, hey our seven year old just called me a bitch and says she hates me all because I go mad she threw a chair at her sister (true story) what should we do? there is no "we", its just me.

So while I understand its a lot of work to take care of kids by yourself for long periods of time. I feel no sympathy for someone that complains they have to "single parent it" for all but one waking hour of the day. In fact I'm jealous of that person, because really, if I had just one hour a day with another adult who was in it together with me? I think I would weep from joy.

You're being an adult, not a single parent. But I guess our perspectives are just a little bit different.