I'm gonna vent for a sec mkay?
I've read a lot of blogs lately where moms are alone all day, or dad works crazy schedules and is never home and they like to say they are "single parenting it". Wait a second! lets back up a minute shall we? You mean to tell me you take care of your kids for 12 hours a day and your husband is bringing home the bacon and that the same as being a single parent?
Lets just take a look at my actual, honest to goodness single parent life and then we'll compare and see if its the same shall we? what a fun little game
I wake up every morning by myself, as in, no one else is awake. I'm actually sharing my bed with an almost 5 year old who has cried multiple times (night terrors, fun stuff) and/or dug her toes in my back all night long. I'm the only one that lets the dogs out, I'm the only one that wakes the kids, I'm the only one to load (or not load and then scrub) the dishes in the dishwasher. I shower quickly then rush to get kids up and where they go.
Lets think about the fact that I have to find places for my kids to go before and after school because, oh wait, there is just me. This is not as easy as it seems and I'm gearing up for next year when I have a kindergartner and I need to find a place for just half a day.
After this I rush into work, usually late because of last minute shoe hunts or homework dashes or what ever it is. I work 8 hour days, and I'm lucky its a normal 8-5, Monday through Friday job, no dealing with weird shifts and changing schedules for me. I'm lucky that way.
But there are times when kids are sick, or have soccer/basketball/whatever, that starts at 5 so I have to get off work early to be there. I have to make all the doctor appointments and dentist and am the only one that takes them. After work its homework (for both of us, yay for college at 30) dinner, baths, brush teeth.
After the kids are in bed, this is when I get me time. Time to do fun relaxing things like laundry and dishes and pay bills, finish homework. Then I head to bed, where if I am lucky I will get 6 hours of constantly interrupted sleep.
There is no one else to bring home the bacon. There is no one else to fret with, to worry with. Granted I am luckier than some and the Ex is still involved in the kids lives, he takes them one night a week and every other weekend. But really they are my responsibility. He doesn't worry and fret over their safety and school and doctors appointments and vitamins and bed times and all that stuff. I do, and I do it alone.
There is no spouse to call up at work in the middle of the day or talk to in the night and say, hey our seven year old just called me a bitch and says she hates me all because I go mad she threw a chair at her sister (true story) what should we do? there is no "we", its just me.
So while I understand its a lot of work to take care of kids by yourself for long periods of time. I feel no sympathy for someone that complains they have to "single parent it" for all but one waking hour of the day. In fact I'm jealous of that person, because really, if I had just one hour a day with another adult who was in it together with me? I think I would weep from joy.
You're being an adult, not a single parent. But I guess our perspectives are just a little bit different.
Betty. I'm sorry I was careless with words in a way that offended you. For what it is worth (and still it will not be what you are doing, so know that I take it with a grain of salt) I was parenting alone for over three months last year, pregnant, while my husband was paralyzed, on life support, and in the hospital. So know, KNOW that I can empathize with you, in a small way.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how it feels to be the sole provider for my family. I don't know how it feels not to be able to call on the father of your children on any sort of regular basis. I don't know how scary and stressful that is for you or any other single mother.
I DO know how it is to be terrified, pregnant, and parenting your toddler alone while your husband can't breathe for himself. I do know what it is to miss your toddler's first steps because you are at the hospital all day waiting for the moment when your husband is intubated. I do know what it is to run from your son, who is unsteady on his feet, to your husband who is learning to walk again.
So while I don't know your struggles, I know what it is to parent alone, and to be terrified.
I'm sorry I offended you, but know that I empathize as much as I can.
Your situation sounds difficult, Betty, no doubt about it, but life isn't a competition as to who exactly has it the roughest. Because if it was, you wouldn't win. Sorry, you just wouldn't.
ReplyDeleteJust because someone always has it rougher than you do, doesn't mean a person can't complain from time to time, as long as they keep things in perspective. Doing things on your own with no support is tough. I don't think Lady was trying to be "cool" when she was saying that. Rough is rough is rough--maybe try to support someone in a difficult situation rather than try to one up them. To me, that's being an adult.
I agree with Steph. I really doubt Lady was trying to "cool," as you say. Like she said, her husband was on life support, paralyzed, and in a hospital for THREE MONTHS! So with due all respect, she certainly was single parenting it.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, I think we all "single parent" from time to time, even if we are married or have a significant other. My husband was in the police academy for six months. We only saw him on the weekends. Monday-Friday I was single parenting it. My husband was not there!
So while your situation is absolutely difficult, I certainly don't think anyone was implying it was "the cool thing to do."
I never said Lady was the only person I was talking about, in fact I said there were several people I have read lately that have used that phrase. And I never said I was trying to one up anyone. I know life is hard. I know everyone has challenges. By no means do I think my life is the hardest. Its not a competition and I know I would not win. I admit I knew nothing of Lady's past becuase she never shared it (and I don't assume that she should, thats her business). She stated her husband was only there one hour of the waking day and my point, my only point, was that the physical absense of one parent IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING A SINGLE PARENT.
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