You mean you care what I say?

I went on a date last week. It was a blind double date. Actually not really but sort of. My friend met this guy, H,  when we were out dancing one night. She introduced me to him and his friend, J, but that was all. She started Dating H and we decided to go on a double date. He brought along his roommate J but I don't think either of them remember meeting me, so it was kind a a blind date on my part but not for my friend.
Any way.

J and H are young, I call them babies because really they are just, well, babies. Only 22. Six years younger than me and my friend K. Oh well.

So we went to their apartment for dinner. Let me just say, I have never been more impressed by a group of young men. J and H live in an apartment with 3 other young men. Their apartment was clean, the dinner was good and they were very gentlemanly. They pulled out chairs, they let us get our food first, they cleared out plates. Even the other roommates that were not officially on a "date".

In fact my date was a little involved with a zombie video game, which no big deal, I actually would have been happy to sit and watch but one of the other roommates took it upon himself to visit. Ask questions and respond like he was really interested.

After dinner, and the zombies were all killed, the four of us, sans extra roommates, headed to a haunted house. I love haunted houses. I love to be scared and then laugh at myself, however I prefer not to do this along. I knew K and H would stick together so I told J, in no uncertain terms, he was not to leave me alone.

I know J has no interest in me, I have no interest in him really, he was a nice kid and we could be friends, but that all. But that kid offered me his arm and did not let go the whole time. He made sure I was okay the first couple times I was scared (until he realized I was laughing) and even slowed down and wait until I grabbed his arm again before he moved on.

I was so impressed. Not just with J and H, but with all of the roommates

This will go to show just how pathetic my dating life is. That date was the best a guy has ever treated me.

It made me realize, all those random guys that I meet online and only want to talk about sex and my breast size, they are so not worth it.

I can expect a guy treat me with respect and open my door, because someone should be willing to do that for me.

That Worthy young man my grandma keeps telling me she's praying for?

He might just exist

Really?

I work with several guys, most of them are married. This morning I overheard a conversation and it really surprised me.

This gist of it is, S has a friend who recently got married. I'm not sure if it was this friend that had been married before or if his new wife had, either way, the new wife wanted the friend to change his last name, take her name not her take his. The new wife wanted to keep her maiden name.

So this is a little odd, but not unheard of, what surprises me is the conversation by my co-workers that follows.

T laughed, thought it was ridiculous. The friend would have to change everything! Insurance, drivers license, bank accounts etc. Poor guy

S Agreed,

T then asked what would happen if she kicked him to the curb. Would he keep the last name? would he have to change it all back? What a hassle

The S said with those demands its not a matter of if, but when new wife would kick the friend to the curb.

Um Sexist much Boys????

Both of their wives have changed their last name.

How is this any different than a man asking a woman to change hers? Really? When a woman gets married she is expected to change her name, and if she doesn't its a big deal. But for the man to change his name? "what a hassle" and "poor guy"

I honestly like these guys I work with. I admire them in a lot of ways, but unfortunately for them, and they will never know it, that little conversation knocked them down a peg or two.

I just can't believe something that is common and expected for a women is seen as a "hassle" and "pain" for a man!

Lock up your husbands ladies!

You know what I find attractive? Like really really attractive?

Wedding rings

No I'm not gonna go dry hump my marrried co-workers now.

I'm not saying a married man is attractive and that I want to be susie homewrecker. I am attracted to the idea of a man wearing a wedding ring. Proclaiming to the world with one little gold band "hey I'm taken, and I like that I'm taken so back off"

I like look of a hand with that jewelry on it.

Every time I see one I want to thank the man wearing it for being man enough to proclaim his status to the world.

I want to one day find a man that will wear one from me proudly and feel naked without it. The ex dropped his at work and it got run over and smooshed so it was a while before I bought him another and he didn't feel connected to it at all. I want a man that will understand the importance of the statment a ring makes.

Know what else is sexy? A man with his kids

Mmmmmhmmmmm. Nothing cuter than a guy with a baby, or toddler, or heck even school aged kid not screaming at each other.

I'm 28 and if you had asked me ten years ago if I ever thought I would be drooling over a married man with kids I would have laughed in your face, but now? take me to a park and let me loose because dang thats some good eye candy!

I marrried an idiot

And then divorced him a short 5 1/2 years later after he left me to date men.

good times good times

So the ex is gay and that's lots of fun

He's also an idiot, and I'm not sure if he got dumber after we divorced or I wore rose colored glasses while we were married because seriously?

Maybe a little back ground is in order before I vent the latest issue with him.

He grew up in Really Really Small Town (RRST) we lived there after we were married and I even stayed there after we split. He took off for Bigger town closeish by. Almost his entire family live in RRST, I'm talking brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins. In a town of 1000 people, that's a lot of family.

I moved from Really Really Small Town back to my home town with my mom while I built my current house in Better Small Town (yes I am biased) 30 minutes from RRST. This whole time I work in Middle Small Town where everyone knows everyone and everyone talks and the Ex moved back to Middle Small Town.

Middle Small Town and Really Really Small Town are close enough they are the same schools and the same school District and for years and years and years, Middle Small Town and Better Small Town have had a huge rivalry.

Confused yet? I'll make a point soon

Enter the Princess, she started Kindergarten while I was living with my mom, and for ease of transportation she went to school in Middle Small Town (I could drop her off on my way to work, she could ride the bus to daycare etc.)

Kindergarten was Hell. Let me just tell you. I almost lost my job, she was in counseling, we had a rough year. I know it was all the moving and all the changes and everything, not necessarily the school or the teacher (we loved her teacher). BUT it was bad

First Grade we were in our new house (that I built thank you very much!) and she had an incredible teacher (who oddly enough is from Middle Small Town and graduated from High school with the Ex)
We loved her, we loved school! We also payed a ton of money for her to go to daycare after school (different daycare, whole other issue)

Now we are all up to speed right?

The Princess started second grade yesterday (holy crap!) and I have been trying to figure out where she can go after school so I don't have to start chopping off limbs to pay for daycare. I asked The Ex to help me figure something out. His only solution was to bring her back to Middle Small Town for school.

Because his family is close by.

Um what? just because his family might be 20 minutes closer to one school than the other does not in any way, guarantee they would help! We moved a birthday party so it would be closer for them to come and not a single one showed up! not even his mother! what makes him think they would help after school?

Better small Town is closer for my family! and guess what! they show up to help. My Mom watches them one day a  week, and is willing to drive where ever. My sister is picking the princess up and watching baby girl when she doesn't have to work. Guess what, they would do it no matter where they were in school, because they did it when she was at Middle Small Town.

Should we seriously put her in a school she hates, with none of her friends, further from her home on the off chance his family might one day decide they care enough to help out?

I love his family, really it was a big pro when deciding to marry him (should have been a red flag that his family had to weigh in on that decision right?)
BUT, they are only involved when its convenient for them. His father, their only grandfather, has only been to our house once. And that was the day we brought Princess home from the hospital. And for 5 years we lived around the corner from them, literally.

His Mother is around more, she helps me out with the kids when she can, and I really appreciate it. But I can't help but be upset that more than once she has been the only family to show up to an event for the kids when they are all invited, and more than once, even she hasn't been there (a 6th birthday fiasco, that's a whole new post too).

I honestly think it the whole school rivalry thing that is causing issues. Seriously? Isn't that a stupid reason to uproot a child's education.

What I cannot get through his thick skull is shouldn't we be more concerned where is best for our child regardless of the school colors?

Oh yeah, the rose colored glasses are so off.

I heart Books

A lot, like let my kids watch cartoons at midnight so Mommy can finish this chapter kind of addiction.

so I read a lot.

A LOT

So when a friend at work recommended Barbara Delinsky and let me borrow her books, I jumped at the chance. I've read a couple of them now, and I really enjoy them but there is one thing that bothers me.

So far none of them are really happily ever after type endings. I mean they all end good, but they are realistic except when it comes to sex, and I guess the relationships. Now I am no expert at relationships, obviously. I did marry The Ex, and he is currently sexing another man, so I'm not really all that smart when it comes to dating. But is everyone else out there but me finding these fantastic partners and having mind blowing, out of this world, completely fulfilling sex?

Let me just explain, these are not harlequin romances, I don't really want to read about what goes on in anyone else's bedroom. A hint of the fact that people have sex lives is not bad, but by all means I do not want to read about Reginalds quivering member. (and if you know what movie that's from, I love you, we should be best friends)

So, The books aways have rocky relationship, and they always get better, but they also end up fulfilling each other in ways the main character never knew was possible, so is it?

Is there such a thing as happily ever after?

Do couples really find this connection that is so much more than just the physical?

Does everyone's other half complete them?

Someone please share the secret to finding a completely fulfilling partner that will eventually lead to post marital mind blowing sex!

I was reading Meredith tell about a night at the bar and she asked what the worst pick up lines were. I gave her a condensed version of the story, you lucky folks (anyone? anyone?...... *crickets*) get the long version.

Right after the Ex and I split, My mom took me and my sister and some friends to Vegas for a girls weekend. I wanted to dance and play and sit by the pool and not think of the ex at all for one weekend. Vegas is perfect for that.

We played by the pool, we gambled a little, and we ate at IHOP at midnight. After that my sister and I were the only ones willing to dance. (I really wanted to, I think my sister only went for me, gotta love her). So we got all gussied up and went to the Coyote Ugly bar in New York New York.

We paid our cover, got in, she got a drink and we started to dance, soon we were joined by a very intoxicated older man. He tried dancing with me, slurred out the standard "where are you from why are you here" question. When I told him it was to celebrate my divorce I think he took that as a challenge.

He immediately kissed me (eww), he caught me off guard so I couldn't dodge the first kiss, but I did the ones after that. Then he asked if I wanted to go up to his hotel room. Polite little me said "um, no thanks"

I think he thought I was waiting for a better offer, because he kept changing the offer.

We could go down and find his wife(!!) and the three of us could go back to his room.

He could watch me make out with his wife

If I wasn't into his wife he would take me and my sister back upstairs (What? do people really do that?)

At that point my sister needed another drink (wink wink) and we high tailed it out of there.

That my friends was my welcome back to the single life, sadly, its not been too much up hill from there. Next time maybe I'll tell you about the only other guy I have kissed besides the Ex. That one at least was fun, and more than once, and happened more than once at work, and more than once while I was still on the clock. Oh yeah, good times.

More than you ever wanted to know about me

I should preface this with, I know I am blessed. I know I have food on my plate and a roof over my head and family and friends that love and support me. I know I should be grateful for all of that and not complain, I know this but in actuality, I'm gonna complain a little.
When I was 7 my dad had a heart attack and died. Sad yes but bad things happen, I grew up, I've moved on. In the past couple of years I have had aches and pains and stuff and had my heart checked a couple times. Usually they put a couple leads on my chest, check me out, yup your fine, quit being a baby. In the mist of all that I had a diseased gallbladder and they took that out and I felt relief for a while. That was right after The Princess was born, so almost 7 years ago.

A year and a half ago, while I was building my house (literally, I hammered nails and lifted walls and placed tiles and all that fun stuff0 I started to get this pain in my chest, between my breasts right where my bras sits, sometimes a little lower. It felt sometimes as if my boobs were too big and pulling me down, and if I could just stretch my chest I would feel better. I headed to the Doctor and they suggested I had heart burn, quit the caffeine (sad I love Diet coke) and watch what I eat. that worked for a little while. then the pain came back, they gave me a drug to take everyday to lessen the acid in my stomach, that worked for a while.

But the pain kept coming back, all this while I was thinking "I sure hope its not my heart, that would really suck" but I was in discussions with doctors who knew my family history, I was having my cholesterol (its a tinsy bit high)  and blood pressure (perfect!) taken regularly and I was always trying to loose weight (I'm big girl). That all eased my mind at the time.

The pain kept coming back and in December of last year I was in tons of pain and every once in a while my heart would speed and then I would have a release of adrenalin. I hate the feeling of adrenalin like that so again, off to the doctors I go he claims I have PVC's. Where the pacemaker of my individual heart cells was misfiring and creating an extra heart beat. all completely normal, most likely caused by caffeine and my weight (yes I still loved Diet Coke, I was an addict) so I cold turkey cut out all caffeine, even carbonation because that was causing so much of my heart burn. It was hard but I never want to feel that way again. Still 7 months later I haven't had so much as a sip of Diet Coke.

This whole time I was flitting around between two or three different doctors depending on their availability and my proximity to them at the time.

January I started seeing a new doctor, well nurse practitioner really. She is awesome. We shall call her Dr. J.

It was about this time I started to have anxiety. I would lay in bed at night and think, what if the pain in chest I just dismiss as heart burn is really something else? What if I go to bed tonight and have a heart attack and my kids find me in the morning, would Princess know who to call? They will end up with the Ex, not only is their life traumatized by finding their dead mother, now they have to live with him! What if I am alone and my cats eat me before anyone find me?

Yeah, I know, sick, but these were my nightly thoughts. I went to bed every night praying, "please God, let me wake up in the morning"

Then with the increased pain Dr. J suggested an Upper GI Scope where they look at my esophagus and my stomach and my upper intestines to make sure there was no hernia or ulcer or anything like that. I had the scope done and low and behold there is a Hiatel Hernia. Yeah problem solved fix it right?

Wrong, they just give me more drugs and tell me to live with it, I will be on them the rest of my life. I was fine for a while, knowing I had pain, knowing I should expect pain, knowing it was a hernia and not my heart. Then one day my shoulder hurt I think, and the anxiety kicked back in. All the What if questions were back, and they were not just at night, they were during the day too.

I spoke with Dr. J, she gave me some meds to take when I feel the anxiety coming on, and they help me focus, help stop the flood of the what if questions, help stop the freight train of fear they cause.

While dealing with the anxiety, she also wanted to make sure there was nothing to worry about, she ran some blood test , one in particular that was a predictor of cardiovascular inflammation. Normal is anything 3 or below, mine came back at 4. She checked my cholesterol again it hadn't changed, even with the addition of exercise (I started running, go me!) and fish oil (gotta love those Omega 3's) so she suggested I meet with a cardiologist, just to be sure everything was fine. I made the appointment. In the mean time I started having shortness of breath, headaches and a little dizziness. Nothing too bad, sometimes it wasn't even a problem, sometimes I could hardly get a deep breath so I went back in to Dr. J thinking it was just the anxiety again.



This last appointment was yesterday, the 24th. We talked about how it really could be just the anxiety, most likely was, we talked about ways to feel better and what I should do and how I can handle it, then just to be sure, lets take a chest x-ray.

Last year I had pneumonia so I had one done then too, now my heart is bigger. I have an enlarged heart. It is most likely causing my shortness of breath (not the anxiety, but trust me that's in full gear too) and my headaches and dizziness. I have no idea what caused it, no idea how to fix it, no idea about any of it.

Googling is out the question, if I thought I was dying before, webMD would leave no doubt, only it would tell me I had lupus or something.

Basically I am scared shit less, and part of being single is when I am scared shit less there is no one to share that fear, no one to reassure me, no one to hold my hand as Dr. J makes calls and pulls string and tries to get me in with the cardiologist ASAP and schedules a stress echo to figure out what the hell is going on. I have told no one besides Dr. J the entirety of my fear and I feel like I just need somewhere to express it, to say it all out loud, so your welcome Internet.

You now know more than my mother

There are some thing my family should never know

Which is why I blog, and I do it anonymously.

Well okay that's not the whole reason. I did have a family blog, put my kids pictures and our last name and everything.
And then I got a stalker,
well sort of.

He was actually just a creep that wanted my job but he found my blog through facebook and tried to use it to show the major head honchos that I'm an idiot. (that it an extremely condensed version of what happened, but it sums it up nicely). Since I do not want to be Dooced, I made my personal blog private and then stopped writing.

It wasn't a conscience decision to stop writing but I kinda felt mad, okay I felt really pissed. I wanted to write(no matter how bad I am at it) and I wanted to write whatever I want without feeling like I had to sensor myself!

So that's why I'm here, because I feel like I should be able to say whatever the Hell I want!

I occasionally swear, I like to talk about boys, I sometimes complain about my kids. I want to be able to rant about The Ex or the morons at work (without specifics of course). Or complain that I am baby hungry, or horny because its been over three years (THREE.YEARS!) but I don't have casual sex and yes sometimes that decision of mine pisses me off. I want to complain that hormones suck because when they are raging certain songs make me cry. I want to tell you all about the details of my at work make-out buddy (oh yes I did) and how now he asks for dating advice (oh yes he does).

I want to post whatever little random thought pops into my head at any given moment.

Brace yourselves, and welcome to my blog!